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December, 2006
January, 2007

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Bob Hebert
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James Patterson

January 30 - Rats!  Just when I went out of the beauty shop business, there's money to be made ....

Chardonnay and cheese are no longer enough to draw a Capitol crowd to receptions hosted by trade associations or their lobbyists.

Tonight at the Four Seasons Hotel, the "ladies of the Legislature," as the invitation from Texans for Lawsuit Reform refers to them, will be offered mini-massages (feet, hands and necks only), manicures and pedicures, along with "food and cocktails galore" at the tort reform group's "girls' night out."

     Check out the invite! 
     I don't know about you but I'm rsvp-ing because there's no possible way they could know I'm not a staffer. 
     On the other hand, I'd have to be in the same room with with members of the Lege.
     Nah, forget it.

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January 30 - It’s Tom DeLay day here at KissMyBigBlueButt, an almost weekly event because Tom DeLay set the benchmark for slimy politicians.
     First up, apparently the mishaps of Tom DeLay had no effect on Texas legislators.

     Liquor wholesalers ply legislators with cash

They've donated $1.7M in bid to sell direct to restaurants, bars; package stores worried

AUSTIN – Liquor wholesalers dumped nearly $1.7 million on Texas lawmakers in the weeks leading up to the 2007 Legislature while pushing for changes that would allow them to sell booze directly to restaurants and bars.

     And, in a second-cousin related by slime story, DeLay crawled across NASA.

WASHINGTON — NASA administrator Michael Griffin got a sharp reprimand from a federal watchdog today for comments that could have been interpreted as a political endorsement of embattled lawmaker Tom DeLay in Houston last March.

"We were concerned about the appearance that this was an endorsement of Tom DeLay by Mr. Griffin acting in his official capacity in Houston, very close to (DeLay's) district," Special Counsel Scott Bloch told the Chronicle.

"We are not releasing the letter sent to Mr. Griffin, but it was sternly worded," Bloch said.

     Oh no, not the sternly worded letter!  Anything but the sternly worded letter!  Ewwww-oooowww, that hurts!  You can get a paper cut from a sternly worded letter.

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January 29 - Okay, here’s the deal.  I will personally pay the filing fee for somebody with a lick of sense to run against my county commissioner, Tom Stavinoha. 
     I have come to the conclusion that Tom Stavinoha entering a room is the same and eight good men leaving. 
     Not so much because he went off to Hawaii on county money to offer his expertise to other commissioners on the Help America Vote Act.  (Remember he’s the guy who told me he selected those idiotic machines we use to vote because it had “dials” on it and he’s used to dials because he taught high school shop for 20 years.  Hey, Tom, It’s the Help AMERICA Vote Act, not the Help TOM Vote Act, dumbguy.) 
     And not so much because he left his constituents in a trail of dust, literally, on the landfill. 
     And not even because he’s known as “Ticket-man,” because he pesters all the county vendors to give him free tickets to baseball games and the rodeo. 
     There are hundreds of reasons why this guy has to go.  But, the one that’s got me all sideways this morning is his “newsletter.”  Click here to open it in PDF format.
     Oh yeah, I’ve got pictures.  I mean, you’ve just got to get yourself a copy.  I do not know what language Commissioner Stavinoha speaks and writes, but it ain’t English.  It’s a blessing that he taught shop instead of literature.
     You really need to open the pdf file and see it full-sized in expensive color.  I cannot believe that several trees died for this.  It’s as worthless as a canceled stamp.
     I don’t see any political expenditures for this, so that means Tom’s favorite moneybags paid for it – you! 
     What a crock of crumbs. 

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January 29 - Okay, so I have called everybody I know in Washington Dee Cee and asked them to scamper over to the federal courthouse and get me a Scooter Libby trial tee-shirt or baseball cap or koozie or whatever. 
     I do not believe that they’re not selling any.  I think my Washington Dee Cee friends lie.  Surely someone is selling memorabilia.  I mean, a tee-shirt with “Talk dirty to me, Scooter” printed on the front would certainly be something I’d want in my wardrobe. 
     And to you Fox News viewers who ended up here by mistake because you’re either drunk or lost: there’s a trial going on in Washington.  It appears that some members of the President’s team have been fibbing.  Oh, oh, oh, what will we tell the children? 

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January 29 - Today’s Wall Street Journal (subscription only) has an article about the new ethics bill for Congress. 
     It seems that they cannot take meals from lobbyists, but they can eat free “hors d'oeuvres” (a French word meaning “not enough”).  It’s being called the toothpick rule.    

To cut down on wining and dining by lobbyists, the House and Senate have drafted new rules that bar lawmakers and congressional aides from accepting almost any meals from lobbyists. Hors d'oeuvres are an exception. So is "food that you have to eat standing up using a toothpick," explains Washington lawyer Brett Kappel, who advises lobbyists and companies about ethics rules. Oyster pasta, the seafood lobbyists decided, would be difficult to eat with toothpicks.

     Now, see, that would not be a problem in Texas, where everything we eat can be eaten standing up.  Except we don’t use toothpicks.  We use our fingers like God intended. 
     Oyster pasta.  What a horrible thing to do to perfectly good oysters.  It's a good thing that we put a stop to that. 

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January 28 - If it’s about butts and boobs, Charlie Howard is on it like white on rice.
     State Representative Charlie Howard of Sugar Land, everybody’s favorite greedy Republican, is making waves with his dirty talk in Austin again.
     Charlie loves to talk dirty.  Every session he introduces at least one bill that will allow him to give a speech with the words “breast, nude, or sexually” in it.  He once introduced a bill against proper chicken labeling at KFC.  Okay, so I made-up that last part, but it’s something he’d do if I called and told him that people who liked wings were really ordering breasts just to get themselves excited.
     This time it’s billboards.  HB880 (PDF format), Charlie’s latest bill, cannot be read in front of children. 
    
SECTION 2.  Chapter 47, Business & Commerce Code, is amended by adding Section 47.005 to read as follows:

Sec. 47.005.  SIGNS.  (a)  In this section:

(1)  "Nude" means:

(A)  entirely unclothed; or

(B)  clothed in a manner that leaves uncovered or visible through less than fully opaque clothing any portion of the breasts below the top of the areola of the breasts, if the person is female, or any portion of the genitals or buttocks. 

     I can just hear ole Charlie, making genitals a four syllable word on the floor of the Texas House. 
     Charlie contends that outlawing these billboards “would mitigate the adverse secondary effects of sexually oriented businesses, improve traffic safety, limit harm to minors, reduce prostitution, crime, juvenile delinquency, and deterioration in property values, encourage neighborhood improvement efforts, bring about world peace and do away with the need for root canals.”  Okay, so I made-up the last two.  But only the last two and you wouldn’t have known if I hadn’t have told you, huh? 
     Why, it’s a miracle!, Brothers and Sisters  No buttocks – no disease, war, hoodlums, or traffic jams.
     And, by the way, who gets to decide where the buttocks actually stop and start?  Charlie? 
 

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January 26 - Oh, I just love it when Republicans fight.

Land developer Will Perry has filed suit against Sugar Land Mayor David Wallace and two other former business partners, saying they’re trying to collect on a fraudulent real estate commission contract.

     Like I've always said, you cannot trust them when it comes to money. 
     I guess this means that Wallace won't be running for Congress. 
     Okay, okay, let's get serious here.  Who to root for?  Bob Perry's son or David Wallace, Young Prince of Sugar Land.  Goodness sake, I'm embarrassing myself with delight.
     Here's a copy of the lawsuit.

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January 26 - Y'all all say a little prayer for Molly Ivins.  She just went back to the hospital in her battle with breast cancer. 

     I'll post a link when I find one.  Okay, here it is.

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January 26 - And just when you thought he’d quiet down, Tom DeLay is out there advising again.  First off, it’s nice to know that he has pronounced Mormons to be actual human beings.  Of Mitt Romney, DeLay says --- 

Romney’s Mormon faith, DeLay said, is not an issue for him.

“I know a lot of Mormons who are elected officials,” DeLay said. “[Rep.] John Doolittle (R-Calif.) is one of my best friends … Usually when you find a Mormon politician, they’re very conservative people. How that works in the body politic and the Bible Belt … how that’s going to play, I just don’t know.”

    

 And you gotta wonder how much it costs to get DeLay to endorse your opponent.  Everything DeLay does has a price on it. 

 

Despite the early politicking, DeLay is waiting to throw his support behind the “right” candidate, yet noted that Sen. Sam Brownback (R-Kan.) and former Arkansas Gov. Mike Huckabee are his “two personal favorites” in the field of GOP presidential contenders.

     Poor guys.  I wonder how much that cost Rudy Giuliani?     

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January 26 - Personal responsibility.  Take some – it’s free!
     A bill has been introduced in the Texas House that makes the owner of a website responsible for material on that website.  It’s HB129.  (It will open in PDF) 

Sec. 73.0045.  LIABILITY OF AUTHOR OF WEBSITE POSTING.  (a)  The author of a defamatory statement expressed on an Internet website is subject to a libel suit in the same manner as if the author had published the defamatory statement in any other written or graphic form.

     Darned straight.

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January 26 - Bless their hearts, politicians never keep their promises.

Pennsylvania Republican Don Sherwood, who lost his House seat last fall, is now refusing to pay his ex-mistress more than half of a $500,000 settlement he promised her to keep quiet about their affair, according to two people familiar with the situation.

The settlement ended a $5.5 million federal lawsuit in which the ex-mistress accused the married father of three of attacking her violently and repeatedly during a five-year relationship.

     Ah, family values ..... maybe Sherwood will let you borrow his.

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January 26 - Now you would think that politicians wouldn’t take campaign contribution kickbacks from a corporation with a recent proven record for overbilling government entities.
     And if you live in this county, you’d think wrong.  Just check the commissioners’ latest contribution reports – on the left side panel – and then ask them if they’ve investigated PBS&J for overcharging on the work they’ve done in this county.
     No siree, our comish boys will take money in any way, shape or fashion. 

The Justice Department said more than a dozen federal agencies were affected by the fraud, including the Army, Homeland Security and the Department of Interior.

PBS&J, which has had an auditor combing its books, previously disclosed that various state transportation agencies were overcharged as a result of the embezzlement.

The St. Petersburg Times reported on its website this month that PBS&J refunded $11 million to the Florida Department of Transportation.

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January 25 - When it ain't your time, it just ain't your time.

A Missouri City woman was hospitalized early Thursday morning after surviving an explosion that destroyed her home, shaking the ground and rattling windows for blocks around.

Ann Patterson Smith, 68, is in the Southwest Memorial Hermann intensive care unit, but apparently is doing remarkably well. Her house, at 3403 Covey Trail in Quail Valley, was destroyed by fire after the blast, a Missouri City Police Department spokesman said.

“When we got there, it was gone,” Missouri City Fire Department spokesman Lee Atchison said of the house. Police officers and a neighbor found Smith in the back yard of her property and called for an ambulance, he said.

     Next time there's a thunderstorm, I'm standing next to Ann.

     It's the first sunny day here in two weeks, so I be out in the backyard .... unless I think of something funny.  I have hibiscus blooming - I love Texas.

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January 24 - We can all take a little pride in the fact that this wasn't Shelley Sekula Gibbs, although it would have been had she won.

Following President Bush's State of the Union address Tuesday night, newly-elected Rep. Michele Bachmann (R-MN) displayed an "overly enthusiastic desire" to touch the Commander in Chief. A television station in Minneapolis noted that the freshman congresswoman "can't keep her hand off [the] president."

     It's really worth watching the tape. 

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January 24 - You can bet your best pair of pink boots that it's coming.

     He's probably already written his dedication speech.  I've got the motto:  You can't get to Booth without crossing Andy Meyers! 

In a few years, a new toll bridge could cross the Brazos River, taking traffic from south University Boulevard in Sugar Land to Greatwood, or the tiny town of Booth.

[more stuff] 

“It could be a back-door way to get to Greatwood,” Precinct 3 Commissioner Andy Meyers said.

While City of Sugar Land officials have not wholeheartedly embraced the idea, Meyers said he has been told they would consider it.

     It's been a while since commissioners named something after themselves, so Andy's gotta be figuring it's his turn.

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January 24 - I'm not making this stuff up.  I think Bob Hebert lies about things that don’t really matter just to stay in practice.
     It seems that Bev Carter (I will provide a link when she posts it on her website) called Bob Hebert about the $6,200 illegal campaign expenditure to his wife for bookkeeping services.  At first Bob denied it was illegal but decided to call the Texas Ethics Commission himself, although ...

 "A candidate or officeholder may not use political contributions to pay for personal services rendered by the candidate or officeholder or by the spouse..."

.....doesn't seem real overly technical to me.  I could probably figure that out without a phone call. 
     So, he called Bev back and told her that, to his surprise, sure ‘nuf, “the law had changed recently,”  and I was right. 
     Recently?  Oh yeah, like back in the ‘70’s.  The TEC opinions go back as far as 1992, and I can prove right here that it was the law in at least 1992. 
     I guess it depends on what your definition of “recently” is, but it was long before Bob Hebert got elected to office.  
     I mean, why wouldn't you just say, "I didn't read the rules.  I screwed up."  Or even, "I forgot about that rule, but I re-read the rules and I won't do that again."  Why would you say recent when it was before Elvis died?
     And then to add a sideways lie to the straight one head on, he says, "he had promised his wife $100 a month for keeping his campaign accounts and since he had money left over this year, he just caught her up on several years when he had not paid her."
     I don't know what promises Bob made to his wife, but if he told her that this was the first year he had money left over, he's sleeping in the doghouse tonight.

June, 2006 - he had $119,841 left over
December, 2005 - he had $137,794 left over
June, 2005 - he had $113,063 left over
December, 2004 - he had $62,803 left over`
June, 2004 - he had $78,020 left over
December, 2003 - he had $42,927 left over
June, 2003 - he had $16,683 left over.

      I'd pull out his other reports to show that he's always had money left over to pay her, but I'd have to go upstairs and get the box out of the closet and then I'd start really looking at these reports and get hacked-off all over again and the only way it'd be worth it is if his wife hosed him down and set him in a draft for making her look greedy. 

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January 24 - This is something you don't see everyday - good news for people who've had relatives die.
     County Judge Bob "Big Daddy Kickbacks" Hebert has decided that he won't robe-up to hear probate matters after all.
     After bragging around town that he was gonna be a real judge and hear probate matters even though he didn't go to law school, Hebert suddenly up and changed his mind.
     Hebert finally got around to reading the Code of Judicial Conduct.  After consulting with the County Attorney's office (and probably remembering this), Hebert decided that the standards of behavior for a real judge are a smidgen too high for him. 
     Plus, unlike our District Attorneys office, the Commission on Judicial Conduct actually enforces the rules on politicians riding sidesaddle over the statutes. 
     Hebert wanted to hear probate cases because it would mean double-dipping pay for himself.  He would get paid extra for hearing the probate cases while we were paying his administrative duties as county judge. 
     So, the taxpayers get a break, the real judges in the county are breathing a sigh of relief, and if you have a relative die you won't have to give a campaign contribution to get into court.  Looks like we citizens won this round all 'round. 
     Take the robe off, Bob.  You look like an idiot.

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January 23 - With friends like Ted Nugent, you don't need Carole Keeton Strayhorn Rylander.
     Ted Nugent, who is the only famous person Governor Rick Perry could get to his inauguration party, tells us that Perry talks some jack on the telephone when he thinks he has privacy.

In an extended interview with the Star-Telegram, Nugent said Perry called him over the weekend to express his support for the guitarist and the Confederate symbol emblazoned on a T-shirt that he wore at the Jan. 16 event.

Perry "called me to tell me, when they attack me for wearing the rebel flag, 'be sure you tell them that I, as governor, support the waving of the rebel flag at the Laredo airport, alongside with the American, Texas and Mexican flags, and tell them to drop dead.'"

     I'm just glad that the Governor has a little friend.  We have been worried that he's lonely up there in Austin.
     For you people from foreign states, we real Texans do not fly the confederate flag.  We have an assortment of historic and meaningful flags that we fly.  Some of my favorites being ---

 

The Zavala Flag

 

 

and the ...

The Gonzales Flag

 

     It is rare to see a confederate flag in Texas.  In fact, our hero, Governor, Senator, and President of the Republic of Texas Sam Houston, refused to take an oath to the confederacy and retired from office instead.
     So, if you see a confederate flag in Texas, it means that either Bubba from Georgia is passing through in his pick up to look for work in California, or some damn fool wants to pick a fight.

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January 22 - Okay, so I’m not saying that the Big Guy in Sky is trying to tell the people of Texas something, but ….. 

An ice formation inside a Morton, Texas, grocery store's freezer is prompting tears from people who see it and has apparently answered the prayers of some visitors, according to a Local 6 News report. 

Morton Thrifty Foods employee Alma Avalos said when she went to the back she noticed that some drops of water from the ceiling had frozen. 

As more and more people began to hear about the Virgin Mary, they started traveling in droves to see the ice.

     You just gotta wonder about all these signs coming to Texas.  First it was the laundry room floor in Wild Peach, now the freezer at Thrifty Foods in Morton. 
     At least the folks in Morton put out some flowers and lowered the price of corn dogs before they alerted the media. 
     I’m gonna check the dust bunnies under my bed.  I'm pretty darned certain that at least one of them strongly resembles Ezekiel’s’ wheel.

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January 22 - I just love how nice the Republicans have become since they’re not able to be bullies anymore.
     With Bush having the lowest approval rating since Nixon, all of a sudden the Republicans have found “nice.”
     It’s expected that Bush’s speech tomorrow night might get a chilly reception in the House, but Trent Lott has a fix for that:  Democrats should not act like Republicans. 

 “I hope we won’t be acting like children as we have been in recent years where one side jumps up and the other sits down and then the other side jumps up. How pathetic that is,” said Lott.

     Yeah, Trent, pathetic. 
     I recall watching a State if the Union address when Tom DeLay and Dick Armey actually made faces, elbowed each other, and giggled at Bill Clinton.  The cat must have had Trent’s tongue that day. 
     There is also a school of thought that Bush won’t even show up tomorrow night.  After all, he’s the decider.

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January 21 - Scraping the bottom of the barrel.  The headline reads: Gingrich: 2008 run would be last resort

WASHINGTON - First, Newt Gingrich said he would run for president in 2008 only if no other Republican emerged as a clear front-runner. Now, the former House speaker says he will run only as a "last resort."

     Yeah, well, thank you Newt for expressing my sentiments exactly.

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January 20 - UPDATE: Never mind.  The thread has been shut down.  I tend to do that to conversations.  Sorry.
     I've got some stuff to do this weekend, but I have not left you without entertainment. 
     I got into a little brawl with the Republicans over at Bob's site because they up and decided that I am far more important than I truly am.
     A little background - five years ago I wrote a local newspaper column and they still haven't gotten over it.  The newspaper had a conservative writing an opposite column to mine, but it didn't work out for him.  They don't like to talk about that.
     Last time I checked, I have been blamed for teaching Republicans how to fight with each other in a most vicious manner (post #112)  and several other things of which I am very proud. 
     It starts about post #88  It's one of those things where you can explain it to them but you can't understand it for them.

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January 20 - Now here’s the deal. 
     Some whiney babies are complaining that I’m only posting the campaign contribution and expenditure reports of Republicans.
     Five words:  Kiss My Big Blue Butt
     If you want to see all the campaign finance reports, haul your happy Republican patootie over to the elections division of the courthouse and pay for them yourself.  Or, better yet, go to the 4 to 1 Republican majority on Commissioner’s Court and demand that they save the county a whole mess of money by putting all the reports online for everyone to see.  Like in Travis County.
     A year ago, I announced that I was only posting Republican reports until Republicans voted to put them online.  I’m hell bent for leather on this one.
     Here's Tom Stavinoha's.  Remind me to tell you about "Ticket Tom" sometime.  Great story.
     Here's James Patterson

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January 19 - And the Republicans whine about Hollywood liberals?

AUSTIN, TEXAS — Hours after Gov. Rick Perry kicked off his second full term in office, Ted Nugent helped him celebrate at a black-tie gala, but not all attendees were pleased by the rocker's performance.

Using machine guns as props, Nugent, 58, appeared onstage as the final act of the inaugural ball wearing a cutoff T-shirt emblazoned with the Confederate flag and shouting offensive remarks about non-English speakers, according to people who were in attendance.

     Mama, don't let your babies grow up to be Ted Nugent.

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January 18 - Oh dear, even the Methodists don't want him.

DALLAS (AP) - A group of Methodist ministers from across the nation launched an online petition drive Thursday urging Southern Methodist University to stop trying to land George W. Bush's presidential library.

The petition, on a newly created Web site, , says that "as United Methodists, we believe that the linking of his presidency with a university bearing the Methodist name is utterly inappropriate. http://www.protectsmu.org

"Methodists have a long history of social conscience, so questions about the conduct of this president are very concerning," said one of the petition's organizers, the Rev. Andrew J. Weaver of New York, who graduated from SMU's Perkins School of Theology.

     I'm tellin' ya, Wharton County Junior College is starting to look better and better to Bush. 
     We probably don't have room for a whole library, but Verdelia says we could use her luxury motorhome for his library like a bookmobile out on the parking lot, 'cept it'd be Bushmobile and that don't sound real good. 
     So if you guys have any ideas, let us know.